XWL.com Exclusive: Motor City Diaries: Hunting for Wolves.

The footage comes into focus and we find the Motor City Machineguns, Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin standing by a tree. Sabin is rifling through a bag while Shelley draws some black lines under his eyes and pulls a cap over his head. While he’s busy making sure the hat is on just right Sabin notices the camera and with Shelley being pre-occupied Sabin decides to handle the introductions.

{Chris Sabin}
After almost a month of being on hiatus, The Motor City Diaries return, exclusively on XWL.com. Last time we did one of these was when Alex confused me for AJ Styles and I took Mitch out with a guitar in a fit of rage. Sorry about that by the way, Mitch. For those of you wondering, Mitch finally got his revenge by hitting me over the head with the guitar he got off of ebay, the very same one I hit him with. But that's besides the point, Alex, why don't you tell the fine people at home what we're doing at this place?

{Alex Shelley}
We’re out here in the middle of nowhere to prove a point. For the past few weeks we’ve had Davey Richard and Eddie Edwards “hunting” us in our natural habitat which is inside of that wrestling ring where we are the best at what we do and what we do is be the best at it. So Chris and I, we decided to return the favor by preparing this little expedition to the woods because today we’re going hunting for wolves. Now, we must warn you folks, we don’t know what Richards and Edwards are like outside of XWL but I can assure you that we took the necessary precautions to make sure that your Magineguns get out of this unharmed. We’ve got some nerf guns,

{Chris Sabin}
We got some water guns, filled to the brim with water by the way,

{Alex Shelley}
We have swiss army knife that I took from Antonio Cesaro when he wasn’t looking,

{Chris Sabin}
I got a lead pipe that I stole from Dean Ambrose's bag after they attacked us a few weeks back, just incase we need to go in for some close quarters hunting,

{Alex Shelley}
I have Ted DiBiase’s old monopoly board that Vickie tried to throw away in case we get bored,

{Chris Sabin}
I brought a box of Lucky Charms just in case we get hungry,

{Alex Shelley}
Ah yes, Lucky Cannon was a cool guy. What ever happened to him?

{Chris Sabin}
With a name like Lucky Cannon, who knows?

{Alex Shelley}
Well what I do know is that since either of us has hunted outside of a videogame we needed a little outside help to make sure that this thing goes off without a hitch. The last thing I want is for one of those rabid wolves to bite out a chunk of my hair.

{Chris Sabin}
I feel like this is the perfect time to say this: Kids, what you're about to see should not be tried at home, we're trained professionals who don't know what they're doing. Please, don't try this at home. Now that they can't sue us when they do this at home, we have a special guest joining us on Motor City Diaires, and no it's not you, Mitch. Please welcome, Stone Cold E.T!

Sabin and Shelley begin to clap as the camera pans around the wooded area they're in, there's no sign of Stone Cold E.T? Sabin and Shelley look around before Sabin shouts "Stone Cold E.T, this is your cue, you can come out now!" But after a few seconds as the camera is looking at a tree a head sticks out!



{Fake Stone Cold}
Did you say Stone Cold E.T? WHAT?!

The man walks over to Sabin and Shelley with the exact same mannerisms as Stone Cold E.T, he stands in front of both of them sizing them up.

{Fake Stone Cold}
What do you two know about Stone Cold E.T?

{Alex Shelley}
Well, we..

{Fake Stone Cold}
EH-EH! DID I ASK YOU A QUESTION SON? ARE YOU STUPID? WHAT?!

Sabin and Shelley look at eachother with a look of confusion.

{Fake Stone Cold}
Ever since Stone Cold E.T debuted in XWL he's made my life a living HELL! Because I am the real Stone Cold and I've been overshadowed by Stone Cold E.T. WHAT?! I was in the supermarket last week, I was gonna buy me a six pack of Steveweisers and some little kid comes up to me and says "Do you know Stone Cold E.T?!" and I says "WHAT?!" and he says "Stone Cold E.T, from XWL.." and I says "WHAT?!" I wasn't gonna take that tone with him so I stomped a mudhole in that little kid and walked it dry! I ain't gonna sit back and let some E.T punk take my spotlight, so we're gonna hunt for him right?!

{Chris Sabin}
Um..

{Fake Stone Cold}
DAMN RIGHT, FOLLOW ME, WHAT?!

The screen fades to black as white letters appear saying "Ten minutes later" as Stone Cold is seen in a playground on a springy children's toy. Moving back and forth as he speaks. Sabin and Shelley awkwardly stand in the playground looking at Stone Cold.



{Fake Stone Cold}
Now as I was saying, to find Stone Cold E.T. You need to think like Stone Cold E.T. If I was Stone Cold E.T, where would I go? What would I do? WHAT?! Well the answer is very simple, guns. If I was Stone Cold E.T which I am absolutely not, I would be in a playground. Because we all know Stone Cold E.T an't resist a day at the park. WHAT?! With the swingsets. WHAT?! The slides. WHAT?! The jungle gym. WHAT?! I says JUNGLE GYM! WHAT?!

Suddenly Stone Cold gets off and turns to a bush.



{Fake Stone Cold}
HELLO?

The camera pans back to Sabin and Shelley who just shrug their shoulders.

{Fake Stone Cold}
I CAN HEAR YOU IN THERE YOU MEELY MOUTH BASTARD, I'M COMING IN THERE! WHAT?! YOU STAY HERE GUNS!

Stone Cold suddenly dives into the bush until he is no longer seen, there's many sounds of a struggle/fight going on. After a few more seconds it goes silent, and from the bush emerges Stone Cold E.T! He has his signature Stone Cold E.T black leather vest on and a can of beer in his hand as he walks up to Shelley and Sabin and leans his arm on Shelley's shoulder.

{Stone Cold E.T}
I've been looking for you guys! Are you ready to hunting for some wolves? WHAT?!

Shelley takes the can of beer out of Stone Cold E.T’s hand, cracks it open and takes a swig before quickly spitting it back out in disgust.

{Alex Shelley}
This is terrible, the hell kind of beer is this?

{Stone Cold E.T}
Son. The hell kinda person are you to be drinking another man’s beer like that? Besides, I don't even know what kinda beer that is, I picked it up from in that bush over there. WHAT?!

{Alex Shelley}
Oh god… this isn’t even yours? What were you doing in that bush anyway? And what did you do to Stone Cold?

{Stone Cold E.T}
Well let me tell you, Ol' Stone Cold E.T was in the bushes because I was waiting around here for you two jackasses for nearly an hour. And because you were so late I decided to do some redneck cardio to prepare for my hunting session, do you expect a fully grown man to do cardio in public? EH-EH! I need somewhere private to do my cardio son. I was minding my own business and that imposter tried to whoop my ass but he didn't know who he was messin' with.

Stone Cold E.T turns to the bush and shouts "YOU HEAR THAT, JACKASS?!"

{Alex Shelley}
Well it’s not my fault we were late, I told Chris to use the bathroom before we left and what does he do? Drink five bottles of mountain dew forcing me to pull over in the middle of the road so he could water the grass. But then Mr. health nut decided he need to wash his hands, and so I told him urine is sterile but he wouldn’t take my word for it. Some friend, huh? And so we had to pull over at a rest stop so he could wash his hands and that should have been the end of that, until this hot chick walks by and I love hot chicks as much as the next hot chick loving guy, but we have wolves to hunt but Chris decides to talk to her for 30 minutes only to find out she was a lesbian. So that’s why we were late, glad you manage to keep yourself entertained. Now if you’ll excuse me, all this urine talk has gotten to me.

Shelley walks over to the bush and shouts “Sorry, Stone Cold” and the camera man shifts focus over to Sabin and Stone Cold E.T. Stone Cold E.T sizes up Sabin, he looks at him from head to toe before saying.

{Stone Cold E.T}
Are you sure your mommy and daddy gave you permission to go hunting, little boy?

{Chris Sabin}
Of course they gave me permiss- I mean, why would I need permission, I'm a grown man. By the way, there's more to that story than Alex lets on, he left out the part where he spent fourty five minutes getting his hair ready for this occasion. Then on the way over here, the car ran out of gas and we had to push it for six miles to the nearest gas station, and as it turns out, we didn't have enough money to pay for the gas. So we just hit Skull & Bones on the owner and drove away, and here we are.

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
What?

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
Where?

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
Who?

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
Why?

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
Jimmy's stuck in a well?

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
I'll find him, Lassie!

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
So, why do they call you Stone Cold ET?

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
I said, “Why do they-”

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
“Call you-”

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
“Stone Cold”

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
“ET?”

{Stone Cold E.T}
SHUT UP!

Both men stare down as Alex Shelley returns to both men and splits them up.

{Stone Cold E.T}
Now are you ladies ready to go hunting or what?!

Stone Cold E.T turns around and reaches into a long bag as he pulls out a rifle! Both Sabin and Shelley start to panic. Sabin quickly hides behind Shelley using him as a human shield.

{Alex Shelley}
Hey… HEY! We’re not the enemies here, we’re not the wolves so keep your eyes on the prize. You kill us now and that’s the end of the line for you. No more XWL, no more Rockband and you’ll never get the chance to meet your idol…. The Rock.

{Stone Cold E.T}
Idol?! IDOL?! WHAT?! You think that movie star piece of crap is Stone Cold E.T's idol? EH-EH! The Rock is the farthest thing from my idol and if I ever come face to face with that hollywood reject, son, it won't be pretty.

Stone Cold E.T puts the rifle back in the bag and picks up the bag, Sabin now re-appears after hiding behind Shelley's back.

{Chris Sabin}
Anybody get shot? No? Good. Now that no one was shot and order has been restored, why don't we grab a couple Steveweisers and go hunt us some wolves?

The screen fades to black again as the words "An hour later" appear as Sabin and Shelley are back in the wooded are they started with. Stone Cold E.T is completely kitted out in a camoflage attire with a strap that has what looks to be a grenade on his belt, he has his rifle in hand again and jumps into the prone position on the ground as Sabin and Shelley stand in confusion yet again.

{Stone Cold E.T}
Do either of you silly sumbitches actually know what you are doing?!

{Alex Shelley}
I’ll have you know that I shot a man in cold, blood and I didn’t regret a thing. I watched as the life drained from his eyes at the same pace that the blood drained from his bullet wound. As he gasped while taking his final breaths I laughed and shot him one more time right through the heart and he was to blame. When I turned that videogame off I was a new man. So don’t question my experience, just know that if things get crazy out there it’ll be every man and E.T for himself.

{Stone Cold E.T}
Video games? WHAT?! You like to play video games? WHAT?! You sit there on the weekends twiddlin' your thumbs on a controller and you think that's real? Son, how are you a professional wrestler? The year is 2013, we don't have time for stupid little video games, WHAT?! I said we don't have time for stupid little video games! WHAT!? Your Xboxes. WHAT?! Your Playstations. WHAT?! Your Wii's. WHAT?! Your Gameboys. WHAT?! YOU MAKE ME SICK!

{Chris Sabin}
No need to insult us, we're all friends here. Don't you see what's going on? It's those damn wolves, it's all part of their plan to turn us on each other! Don't let them get into your mind, Stone Cold ET, don't let them win.

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
What?

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
Damnit, not this again.

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
You're not getting me this time.

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
Quit it.

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT?!

{Chris Sabin}
You're scaring the wolves away..

{Alex Shelley}
You can call me handsome, you can say that I have great hair… but don’t you dare imply that I play the Wii. I’m a grown man. WHAT!? An adult. WHAT!? 21 and over. WHAT!? A sex machine. WH—Did you hear that?

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHA-

Sabin quickly covers Stone Cold E.T's mouth making him be quiet, Stone Cold E.T elbow's Sabin in the gut and points and whispers.

{Stone Cold E.T}
There they are, the African Wolves right? They think they're so tough, those couple o' sumbitches don't know what they're in for..

{Chris Sabin}
African Wolves? What are you talking-

Stone Cold ET grabs Sabin by his arm and drags him to the ground besides him, pointing towards the distance.

{Chris Sabin}
I don't see- Oh, there they are. You guys ready for this?

Stone Cold E.T looks up and turns around and whispers "Jim! You can come out now, it's time!" and an imposter Jim Ross walks over to the three men and crouches down.

{Fake Jim Ross}
Bah gawd do you believe in miracles! The wolves are about to go downtown at the hands of the Motor City Machineguns and Stone Cold E.T bah gawd I can't believe it! Slobber Knocker!!!

{Chris Sabin}
Alex, did he just have Jim Ross come out from behind a tree? Stone Cold ET, are you a wizard?

{Alex Shelley}
You have to keep it down Jim or you’re going to blow our cover.

{Stone Cold E.T}
Don't talk to good ol' JR like that, son.

{Fake Jim Ross}
BAH GAWD ALMIGHTY YOU CAN CUT THE TENSION WITH A BAH GAWD KNIFE!

Both of the Machineguns place a hand over Fake Jim Ross’ mouth but the damage as already been done. A howling is heard in the distance and you can see the hairs stand straight out on the backs of each man’s neck. Wide eyed and terrified, the four men exchange glances and the Machineguns remove their hands from the front of Fake Ross’ mouth and get their weapons ready. Shelley as his nerf guns cocked and loaded while Sabin makes sure that there’s water inside of his water gun. Stone Cold E.T remains in his prone position with a focused expression on his face as the moment of truth draws near. The howls are heard for a second time but they’re still well off in the distance, and the three “hunters” plus Fake Jim Ross are safe… for now. Have the wolves caught onto their scent? Is the end near for the hunters?

{Fake Jim Ross}
Ladies and Gentlemen at home you are witnessing something that we have never seen before, just listen to the crowd! My heart is racing faster than usain bolt on a hot Jamaican evening ladies and gentlemen bah gawd.

{Chris Sabin}
What?

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT!?

{Fake Jim Ross}
BAW GAWD!

{Chris Sabin}
Not you too, JR.

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT!?

{Fake Jim Ross}
WHAT A SLOBBERKNOCKER!

{Chris Sabin}
Oh, come on, we're hunting here.

{Stone Cold E.T}
WHAT!?

Shelley and Sabin put their fingers to their lips instructing Ross to remain silent. If they want to come out of this alive then they need the element of surprise on their side. They’ve simply come too far now to have it all blow up in their faces now. The grueling several minutes of preparation these men have taken are all they have and they’ll need to depend on their dearth of experience to get them through these trying times. The American Wolves may not be much in the ring, but when they’re in their natural setting… the wild, who knows how dangerous they can truly be. Here they are not bound by the laws of human civility, in the wild they do not have to conform to the societal norms, in the wild the only thing that matters is “survival of the fittest” and those two have survived this long for a reason.

{Fake Jim Ross}
The American Wolves are not two folks you wanna mess with ladies and gentlemen, this is the moment where the parents at home need to send their kids to bed because a fight is about to break out!!

Stone Cold E.T beckons the men to get their act together and the Machineguns nod and take their position behind two large oak trees. These trees are the only barriers, the only source of protection they have in the face of an impending wolf attack. Here mother nature will not be spared and her wellbeing is not priority. Shelley does a forward roll and crouches down behind a large rock and slowly raises his head above the rock’s surface and peers out onto the land through squinted eyes checking for any sign of danger. The coast is clear and Shelley motions to Stone Cold E.T and Chris Sabin and the two advance forward. Shelley quickly dashes forward and dives into some pushes and slowly spreads them apart and as he looks out and surveys the land. The howls are heard again and Shelley pulls his head in disappears back into the bushes.

{Fake Jim Ross}
Every second that goes by we get closer and closer to confrontation bah gawd almighty slobber knocker, the wolf howls are deafening, it's the stuff of nightmares bah gawd! This is iconic tag team vs iconic tag team, the immovable force vs the irressistable object, this is the stuff of legend ladies and gentlemen!! Oh MY GOD BAH GAWD LOOK OUT!

It’s an ambush! Shelley, Sabin and E.T never saw the wolves coming and now we’re witnessing a downright massacre! The wolves are outnumbered three to two but numbers don’t matter out here. It’s about viciousness and how far you’re willing to go to fight another day and right now the hunters aren’t looking so tough. My god… the screams… the screams are just horrible to hear as the men cry out in pain but the only ones that can save them is them. You can see the agony etched into their faces as the wolves continue feeding on their flesh. This isn’t what the hunters were expecting, this isn’t what they bargained for and this isn’t the way they wanted things to play out. But they came out here looking for the wolves and there’s no doubt no they are wishing that they were more careful with what they wished for because they got it all… and then some.

{Fake Jim Ross}
BAH GAWD I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP QUIET ANYMORE! THIS IS PANDEMONION! ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE BAH GAWD, ALEX SHELLEY, CHRIS SABIN AND STONE COLD ET ARE BEING BEATEN LIKE GOVERNMENT MULES BAH GAWD STONE COLD.

Somehow Stone Cold E.T is able to kick one of the wolves off of him and then he quickly scrambles to his feet and then flips off the wolf before dashing over to The Machineguns and pulling away the wolf that was double teaming them. The three men quickly rise to their feet and stay close to each other while the two wolves take an aggressive stance on either side of the trio as they prepare for their next attack. With us now in the calm before the re-awakening of the storm, the camera has a moment to zoom in on the two attacking Wolves and what we see is completely shocking. They look dangerous and ravenous and most importantly.. and most unfortunately for our hunters the wolves look hungry.



The three hunts exchange a look and then without warning they’re the ones that go on the attack! The Machineguns team up to take on the bigger wolf while Stone Cold E.T squares off with the other one. It’s all all-out interspecies brawl and these five animals go at it as they vie to show who is the most dominant. The Guns appear to be getting the better of the Wolf until the wolf takes them by the heads and bashes their skulls together. Dazed Shelley falls on his ass while Sabin leaps into the air and goes for a dropkick but the wolf grabs his leg! Sabin screams that the wolf is biting him and Shelley gets to his feet and charges forward and kicks the wolf right in the groin. Sabin grabs the wolf and holds him in a neckbreaker position while Shelley begins climbing up the tree! Shelley pushes off the tree with his feet and comes crashing down onto the wolf while Sabin hits the neckbreaker! Skull and Bones off the tree! Suddenly a scream is heard off scream and Shelley sends Sabin off to help Stone Cold E.T while Shelley struggles to get to his feet.

{Fake Jim Ross}
FOR THE LOVE OF BAH GAWD HOW MUCH CAN ONE WOLF TAKE?

Sabin races over and sees Stone Cold E.T engaged in a furious battle with the wolf and E.T is winning. The wolf is bleeding but Stone Cold E.T gets up and begins stomping a mudhole in it. Sabin tries to help but Stone Cold E.T pushes him away and the distraction gives the wolf the upper paw! He hops onto Stone Cold E.T’s back and tries to pull him to the ground but Stone Cold E.T throws him over his shoulder then when the wolf gets up Stone Cold E.T kicks him in the gut and hits a stunner!

{Fake Jim Ross}
HE HIT IT! HE HIT IT! STONE COLD E.T JUST HIT THE STUNNER! STONE COLD E.T! STONE COLD E.T! STONE COLD E.T!

These five living creatures are battered and bruised as a result of this hellacious war and it doesn’t seem to be over yet. The two wolves are struggle to get back up and the three hunters use the free time to gather their weapons. Shelley aims his nerf gun at one wolf and Sabin aims his watergun at the other while Stone Cold E.T stands behind them watching both intently. Shelley is the first to pull the trigger and he nails one of the wolves right in the skull. Sabin fires next and he sprays the other wolf in the crotch making it look like it pissed itself. They all laugh, though the wolves don’t seem to be amused as they begin to draw closer when suddenly a loud bang is heard and The Machineguns drop to their knees and cover their ears. The camera pans to Stone Cold E.T as he shoots another shot and the wolves halt in their tracks and remove their masks.

Wolf #1
What the hell, you brought a real gun?

Wolf #2
In case you couldn’t tell, we’re not real wolves, jackass.

The wolves run off and after a moment you can here cars doors slamming, an engine revving and a car driving off as the wolves make their escape. Stone Cold E.T sets down his gun and puts his hands on the shoulders of Shelley and Sabin who may have been deafened though Stone Cold E.T looks mighty pleased with himself.

Stone Cold E.T
IF I EVER SEE YOUR HAIRY ASSES BACK HERE AGAIN YOU'LL BE GETTING MORE THAN A WARNING SHOT, WHAT?! AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE, WHAT?! COZ' STONE COLD E.T AND THE MOTOR CITY MACHINEGUNS SAID SO!