XWL.com Exclusive: Motorcity Diaries: A Trip to the Doctor

The scene opens up and we the viewer find ourselves in some kind of waiting room. The camera swings around the room and we see some of the residents in the area. The camera then stops at Alex Shelley who winks, fixes his hair, ties his shoelace, makes a tweet, and then takes a sip of water before he begins to speak in a rather hoarse voice.

Alex Shelley
Hey the…

*clears throat*

Alex Shelley
Hey the…

*Shelley clears his throat again, takes another sip of his water. gargles it around, stands up and spits it into the air like his name was Triple H. The people around him complain and Shelley quietly apologizes before sitting back down.*

Alex Shelley
Hey there everyone–now that’s much better—this is Alex Shelley sitting next to none other than the man they used to call Christopher before he shorted his name: Chris Sabin and this my friends is diary entry number 2. Now we can’t promise you that everything will be as exciting as what happened in Walmart the other day, but even the Machine Guns can make something as simple as visiting the doctor a good time. Speaking of Walmart… we’d like to personally thank the employee who mailed us our change, a Mr. Adam Vaughn was it, Chris?

{Chris Sabin}
As much as I would like to continue playing with these Legos, which I will do again in a few moments, there's a few things that need to be talked about, one of which is the Pay-Per-View twenty four hours ago. Even though we weren't at November To Remember, it was still a great Pay-Per-View, new champions were crowned, current champions retained, epic wars were waged, if you haven't seen it, order the replay. Two certain champions stood out from the rest, John Morrison and Damien Sandow, these “Saviors of Society,” what exactly have you done to save us and what exactly are you saving us from? If you ask me...

*Before he could finish speaking, he turns around and spots a kid reaching for the Legos he was just playing with.*

{Chris Sabin}
Hey, kid, what do you think you're doing? Those are mine.

*Shelley looks at Sabin, and then at the kid and then at Sabin again and then at the kid and then the lady next to him who he asks to call him later and then back at Sabin.*

Alex Shelley
Chris, what are you doing? He’s just a kid. Don’t you think we got ourselves into enough trouble at Walmart last week?

{Chris Sabin}
That guy had it coming, Alex, he tried to not only put a damper on our celebration, he also tried to take our championships away from us. This is different though, everybody knows that you don't mess with a man's Legos, well, everybody except this kid. You have five seconds to give me back my Legos or things are going to get ugly real fast.

{Kid}
Why, is your mother coming?

{Chris Sabin}
Did he just... oh, hell no!

*Shelley knows what's coming next and wraps his arms around Sabin's waist to hold him back from inflicting harm on the kid.*

Alex Shelley
Damn it, Chris! Don’t let this kid get into your head. Don’t forget why we’re here today!

*Suddenly the kid’s father who looks to be in the 500 pound range shows up.*

Dad
Do we have a problem here, guys?

{Chris Sabin}
Yeah, we got a prob-

Alex Shelley
Choose your words carefully, bud, he can eat you in one bite.

Dad
What the hell did you just…

*The door swings open and a nurse holding a clipboard steps into the room*

Nurse
Is there a Mr. Christopher Sabin here? The doctor is ready to see you.

{Chris Sabin}
You're lucky the nurse is calling for me or you wouldn't be standing right now. When I step out of that room, I want my Legos back, kid.

*The dad lunges at Sabin who quickly scurries through the door way and into the hallway. Shelley follows him in but not before leaning back into the waiting room and delivering some parting words.*

Alex Shelley
For the records ladies and gentleman of the waiting room, Chris wasn’t afraid just now, he just didn’t want to keep the doctor waiting.

*Everyone is in a hallway now.*

Alex Shelley
There were lot of people talking about how my buddy is injury prone as he got sick of it, so tonight you’re going to hear a real-life doctor say live on a pre-recorded video that Chris is 100% healthy. Let’s see how this plays out.

{Chris Sabin}
Did you see how that guy ran from me? He was like 3 times as big as I was and he ran away like a fat kid runs behind an ice cream truck. But that's besides the point, today marks the end of people saying that I am injury prone. This is, in fact, an actual doctor, not a hired professional, mainly because we couldn't find one on such short notice, so we came to this one.

*They continue walking down the hall until they stop at the final door in the corridor. Before they enter, Sabin begins to speak with the nurse.*

{Chris Sabin}
Since this is probably the only time we're going to be in here, what are you doing Saturday night?

*Almost instantly, the nurse slaps him across the face and walks off.*

{Chris Sabin}
Oh, yeah? Well you slap like a girl. That didn't even hurt.

*Just as he says that, he mouths “Ow, that hurt” silently. Sabin looks at Shelley then at the door before he reaches for the handle and pushes said door open.*

Alex Shelley
Don’t worry Chris, I’m sure the doc will give you something for that burn.

*They step into the room and after a moment or two the doctor steps in and turns to Shelley.*

Doctor
Good afternoon, are you Mr. Sabin?

Alex Shelley
Oh, no no no. They call me Alex, but never Al. You can tell us apart by the hair.

Doctor
Oh, I’m sorry. Well Mr. Sabin, this will be a routine health examination. First things first I’ll have to take a sample of your blood. Do you have any aversions to needles?

{Chris Sabin}
I think the real question here is: do needles have aversions to me?

*The doctor feigns a chuckle*

Doctor
Is that a yes or a no?

*Sabin looks down at the floor while slowly scratching the back of his head before looking up and letting out an uneasy “no.”*

Doctor
Okay then, I'll be right back with a needle.

{Chris Sabin}
Are you sure this is part of this routine checkup I'm here for?

Doctor
Of course.

{Chris Sabin}
Okay then.

*Sabin slowly extends his arm out, and it's clear that it's shaking way more than it should, almost as if he has seen a ghost. The Doctor flicks the top of the needle before slowly lowering it towards Sabin's arm. The seconds feel like minutes as the expression on Sabin's face tells a story. Time almost comes to a standstill in Sabin's mind moments before the needle breaks skin. He quickly pulls his arm away from the Doctor, almost shielding it from him.*

Doctor
Mr. Sabin, what's wrong?

{Chris Sabin}
What's in that needle, poison? Are you trying to poison me?

Doctor
Of course not, it's completely empty, see?

*The Doctor shows Sabin the needle and it is, in fact, empty.*

{Chris Sabin}
Just making sure, it's not like I'm afraid of needles or anything.

Alex Shelley
Come on, Chris, don’t make it harder than it needs to be. It’s not like he’s gonna go and sell your blood on the vampire black market or anything.

*Shelley takes a moment to think about what he just said and then he turns to the doctor with a worried expression on his face.*

Alex Shelley
You wouldn’t do that… right?

Doctor
Of course not, we run a professional clinic here and we wouldn’t do something like sell blood much less to a vampire. Those don’t even exist.

Alex Shelley
What? I… I’m not gonna have that discussion right now. But what I will tell you is that I’ve seen Chris get like this a million times before. You need to give him some incentive.

*Shelley whispers into the doctor’s ear.*

Alex Shelley
Is there anything you can do about that?

Doctor
I’m afraid not, you’ll have to see a dermatologist for that.

Alex Shelley
I see.. anyway this is how you can calm Chris down.

*Shelley whispers into the doc’s ear again.*

Doctor
I didn’t think it would have to come to that.

*The doctor steps out of the room.*

Alex Shelley
Don’t worry, bud, he’ll have just the thing to calm you down.

*The doctor returns and has… a lollipop in his hand.*

Doctor
Does this make you feel better, Mr. Sabin?

*The expression on Sabin's face quickly changes as his eyes gleam with joy, almost as if the lollipop reminds him of happier times. He takes the lollipop without hesitation and rips off the plastic over it, then puts it in his mouth. While Sabin is distracted with his sugary treat, the Doctor quickly uses this to his advantage and takes the necessary amount of blood needed to run the test. The Doctor walks over to the door and stops in his tracks when Shelley clears his throat. He turns around and notices Shelley with a sad expression on his face. The doctor realizes what he wants and reaches into his coat pocket, giving Shelley a lollipop as well. He removes the plastic and puts it in his mouth. The Doctor walks out and just as Sabin finishes his lollipop, he looks down at his arm, noticing where the needle was inserted just mere moments ago. He looks at it for a few moments before realizing what just happened and yells out “Ow, that hurt!”*

Alex Shelley
Doc, where are you going? Aren’t you going to finish the examination.

Doctor
Man, there is not a single person that has time for that.

*The doctor slips off his gloves and throws them in the trash before stepping out of the room. Shelley looks at Sabin enjoying his lollipop while staring at the place where the doctor injected his needle and then at the camera where he takes a deep breath. *

Alex Shelley
Well folks, it looks like we’ll have to continue this check-up another day. We’ll leave Chris here to snap out of his trance. Let’s go Mi… Oh yeah, I knew I was forgetting something. The other Mitch who works at XWL and has no relation to this didn’t like the fact that our camera guy had the same name, so we had to change the M in our guy’s name to a B... he doesn't seem to like that for some reason.

*The camera moves from side to side as the guy shakes his head no. Shelley points hand at the camera in the shape of a gun.*

Alex Shelley
Bang.

*The screen goes dark.*