Shootin' Sh#t starring Matt Classic: Episode 3

*As the cameras start rolling, the host Matt Classic walks into shot with a bottle of vodka in one hand and sits in his chair, pours himself a large glass of Vodka and puts the bottle of the table next to him, takes a sip and looks at the cameraman*



Matt Classic: Where the heck is Phil?

Cameraman: Are you talking to me?

Matt Classic: Well there's nobody else here is there son. So where is he?

Cameraman: He couldn't make it this week. I'm his replacement.

Matt Classic: A replacement huh? This better not be a common occurrence, three shows in and he's already having a sick day? Not on my watch. So what's your name kid?

Cameraman: Chris.

Matt Classic: Chris? Just Chris, or do you have a last name too?

Chris: Spradlin.

Matt Classic: Chris Spradlin? And I thought Phil had a goofy name. Well, er I guess you'll have to do this week but don't do thinking you've got this gig on a permanent basis.

Chris Spradlin: Yes, sir. So how does this normally work?

*Classic reaches over to the table and takes a drink from his glass*



Matt Classic: You mean you haven't seen my show before? Where have you been all this time?

Chris Spradlin: I only really watch Damien Sandow's show, Word of the Week, that guy's really smart.

Matt Classic: You actually like that garbage? Well luckily for you, you get to witness the magic of a true in ring great make a .Com show fit for a king, not some Word of the Day toilet paper show. So here's how this works, we're going to talk for a little bit about what's happened since the last show then I'll tell a few stories, you got that?

Chris Spradlin: I think so.



Matt Classic: Alright then, it turns out you're not as stupid as your name. So let's get this thing started with the obvious one, my debut match last week. Boy what a week it was too. The Mysterious Matt Classic vs. Amazing Red, what did I tell Phil last week? I told him Amazing Red wasn't Amazing and he was not Red and I was right with both of those statements. That kid wasn't red in the slightest and he wasn't amazing in the slightest, but if he wants to keep the amazing part of his name how about he calls himself Amazingly Green or Amazingly Vanilla because those two sure as hell fit him better then Amazing Red. You should of saw this match Chris, I grabbed him by the Shoulder and squeezed the life out of him, I bet you didn't think that was possible, a simple Shoulder Claw had him tapping out, did you think that was possible Chris?

Chris Spradlin: I've never seen it before.

Matt Classic: Well how about we go to Phil’s house after the show and I show you how to do it, does that sound good to you?

Chris Spradlin: It sounds great, Sir.

Matt Classic: Ha, Sir, I love it, you got respect and I like it. Phil never calls me Sir, not once. He's just a tattooed motherfucker, that's what he is. So anyway, that was my debut match over and done with just like everyone expected. So now let's fast forward to this week, a HUGE week for Matt Classic. First off the last ever, EVER, XWL 15 match vs. that stupid Mark, Christian.

Chris Spradlin: Didn't he beat you?

Matt Classic: What was that son? Why don't you come over here and say that again?

*Chris walks over from behind the camera near Matt Classic, who clips him around the ear with an open fist making him fall over*



Matt Classic: Now get back behind the camera.

*Chris quickly gets back to his feet and returns to his position*

Matt Classic: You don't think I know that, you idiot? I was in the damn match, and here's something you probably didn't know, I had that stupid sumbitch tapping out in that match, I bet you didn't see that did you? Nobody told me there was no submissions allowed in the match. I could of had an infinite amount of points if the rules weren't purposely bent in his favour. AND another thing at the very end of the match? Who was the one about to finish who off? Was it Christian about to hit me with a Killswitch? You're damn right it wasn't it was Matt Classic getting ready to hit him with a bottom rope splash, and you just know when I hit that splash, the match is over! I'm glad that stupid medal is gone, and thing was broken. Everyone knows Matt Classic is the undisputed King of shoot fights, shoot interviews, shoot anything, I'm the best at it. And I've got a pretty good punch too right, kiddo?

Chris Spradlin: I think my ears bleeding...



Matt Classic: It's only an ear, you have a spare one, it will be fine. So anyway, the big news from this week is that next week at Supremacy, Matt Classic will be live on pay-per-view in the six man elimination brand warfare match. And of course I will be captaining the team, it's just a shame the other two are complete misfits. First of the South Asian Werewolf...

Chris Spradlin: He's South African.

Matt Classic: That's what I said kid, why don't you pay attention. The Werewolf, Justin Gabriel and The Deadman, The Undertaker are my soldiers and right here on my show I promise to my legion of fans that I will steer Team Classic to victory over the two Shootin' Sh#t wannabe's Zack Ryder and Damien "I wish I was as good as toilet paper" Sandow and the nephew of Mil "The gimmick stealer" Mascaras" Alberto Del Rio. This isn't just about Brand Warfare, it's about principles, integrity and class. And I am a man with all of those things in abundance, and I swear on my Bangladeshi Federation that I will NOT fail. I will not fail like Women's wrestling has failed time and time again, I will NOT fail like Scott Hall has once again failed to call me, and I will NOT fail like Phil Brooks has failed to turn up to work this week.

*Matt Classic stands up and puts his hand over his heart, as his theme begins to play in the background with an American flag waves begin Matt's chair*



Matt Classic: People of Redemption, I, Matt Classic am your leader. And I will lead you to victory over Breakdown in a match for the ages and it will finally be official that Redemption is the number one brand in XWL history, or my name is not Matt Classic.

*Chris then coughs off camera, and Classic's theme suddenly ends, the flag stops waving, and he sits back down*

Matt Classic: So that's what I've got going on this week, son. And now let's Shoot some sh#t!

*When Classic finishes speaking the logo for Shootin' Sh#t appears on the screen*



*After a few seconds of it appearing on the screen it fades out as Classic takes another drink, until his glass is empty, then refills it with Vodka to the top and takes another drink*



Matt Classic: Ok, then where do we start this week? Oh well how about this one? Have you seen that film Ted?

Chris Spradlin: Of course I have.

Matt Classic: Well I've only seen the trailer. You remember the Fuck you Thunder song?

Chris Spradlin: Everyone knows about the Thunder song.

Matt Classic: Well I've got my own version of it, it goes Fuck you Thunderlips! FUCK YOU! Who do you think you are, with you're stupid movie roles? Disgracing this sport, that's what you did. If you were really a good wrestler you would of knocked Rocky out, that's what you should of done. With your nancy boy moustache and your silky blonde hair, what you're 29 years old and you can't grow hair on the top of your head? You're pathetic, that's what you are Thunderlips. And another thing, what kind of stupid name is Thunderlips? Your lips aren't made out of thunder are they? I didn't think so, hey I know you're watching this Thunderlips! What you gonna do? What you gonna do about it, brother? This is what you're gonna do, nothing! You're gonna go back to the 80's and get beat up by a tiny little boxer again. And look where that movie got you! Nowhere! Nobody ever heard from Thunderlips again, and that's just what you deserved.

Chris Spradlin: Actually, Hulk Hogan played Thunderlips.

Matt Classic: What? Where did you hear that? That can't be true.

Chris Spradlin: His names in the credits.

Matt Classic: The credits? What do you believe everything the credits tell you?

Chris Spradlin: Well, yeah.

*Matt takes a large mouthful of vodka then shakes his head at Chris*



Matt Classic: Well you shouldn't, the credits lie. Everyone knows Hogan wore yellow trunks, and Thunderlips are clearly white. Plus if Hulk Hogan was in the movie, he'd of been called Hulk Hogan. This is wrestling damnit, you don't just pick up a fake name for poops and giggles. He's called Hulk Hogan in real life and he's called Hulk Hogan in everything else too.

Chris Spradlin: But what about in No Holds Barred? His character was called Rip.

Matt Classic: Yeah, Rip Hulk Hogan. And you know why, because Zeus is gonna Rip Hulk Hogan's head off. The credits, boy are you stupid.



Matt Classic: Now son, don't take this personally but you're really getting on my last nerve here, so I'm going to make this one my last story for the week. Now I know I usually tell three stories but I fear for your wellbeing if we go on any longer. But don't wrong this one transcends all my other stories put together, this one is about when a went over to a foreign land and I don't mean Canada. This on takes place in a little place I like to call Nigeria.

Chris Spradlin: That's what it's actually called.

Matt Classic: That's why I call it that. God damn it, I miss Phil. Anyway, you might of heard of this guy Chris, but then again you might not of. The Great Power Mike. Do you know who he is?

Chris Spradlin: I can't say I have.

Matt Classic: You've never heard of the Great Power Mike? What are you retarded? With your stupid little Superman t-shirt, you come on my show and not know who The Great Power Mike is? Son, Power Mike is the most inspirational wrestler to ever live...in Nigeria. He was the guy who proceeded The Great Power Uti.

Chris Spradlin: Who's The Great Power Uti.

*Matt Classic sighs at Chris's stupidity*



Matt Classic: Chris, you better keep your mouth shut until you have something useful to say, or you won't be able to say anything at all. Now, I've just got out of my coma, so I'm relaxing at home, figuring out the best way to let the world know Matt Classic is back, and then my phone rings, and it's the Power Mike and he wants a match against me in three weeks time in Nigeria for the Heavyweight Championship of the World. So obviously I tell him he's got a match, but I want paying upfront, because everyone knows these Great Power guys aren't exactly trust worthy when it comes to payment. So I fly over to Lagos, and in the airport there's literally hundreds of cameras there to get a peek at the man who will face their god. Then a reporter comes up to me amid all the chaos and asks me "Do you really think I stand a chance against Power Mike?", and naturally I laugh in his face, I mean what kind of idiot would ask Matt Classic that kind of question. Well ok, sure Power Mike had never lost in his entire career, but he's no Matt Classic, so I tell him "Listen, son. Not only will I beat Power Mike, I'll make him cry like a little girl in front of his beloved followers. I'll slap him around like a bitch, and I'm not only going to take his title back home to Bangladesh, but I'm taking his Saxophone too. I'm going to beat him so bad, he won't be The Great Power anymore, he'll just be Mike. He won't be the King of this god forbidden hell hole, I'll take those titles from him too. So get a good look at your new King Nigeria, The Great Power Classic." Then I jump in a taxi and head for my hotel.

*Classic takes another drink and looks into the glass as he reminisces about Nigeria*



Matt Classic: Now the thing about Nigeria, they're all filthy and they're all scum, so it was nice to see some white people in my hotel... what?

Chris Spradlin: You can't say that.

Matt Classic: Say what?

Chris Spradlin: That.

Matt Classic: Yes I can, that, see I just did. Anyway before I was rudely interrupted, this hotel is like a white haven, and on the television screen in the lobby, you'll never guess who's on the National news, it's me of course, Matt Classic, turns out the Nigerian public were real stoked to see me, they were flipping over cars, setting light to fire hydrons and everything because I was gracing their rotten country with my presence. So I go up to my room for a little shut eye, got to be good and rested for my match, but then about thirty minutes later I get a call from reception, about a mob of fans with Pitchforks and Torches demanding I come down stairs, and hey I love my fans as much as the rest guy, but it's the day before my comeback match and I need to be well rested, there will be plenty of time for signatures later, and I go back to sleep.

Chris Spradlin: So you didn't go downstairs?



Matt Classic: Jesus, son, I know you're dumb but I had to get some shut eye, and I doubt they all had the standard $20 of my autograph. Ok so let's skip to the time of the fight. It's 6PM local time, and I've arrived near the arena, Police escort and everything they really went all out, the fans were going wild outside the arena, throwing allsorts of stuff at the police for not letting me sign for them, but they just rush me into the arena and in my locker room, lock the doors, with a bunch of armed guards outside. Now this locker room, it's more of a broom closet, nowhere any good enough for a wrestler like Matt Classic, so I get changed, and I'm ready to go, and I'm waiting for the bell call, it reaches 7PM, still no call, 8PM still nothing. Then as 8PM turns to 9PM, I had enough, so I take charge of the situation and I make way to the ring with armed guards either side of me all the way to the ring and I grab the microphone and I demand Mike gets his butt in the ring right now and he gets what's coming to him. And I wait, ten minutes go by and these fans are pissed that my opponent hasn't showed up, then the faint sound of the Saxophone as Mike comes out from behind the curtain and the crowd boy are they going nuts, FINALLY they get to see Matt Classic in action. He does his little dance, plays his own entrance music, as is tradition for these Great Power guys. He takes off his robes, and he's standing across the ring from me bare foot in his little cloth diaper and the referee rings the bell.

*Classic laughs as he remembers the night in question*



Matt Classic: Straight off the bat I punch him in the balls. And the guy doesn't even flinch. What the hell is going on here? He doesn't flinch after a punch in the balls, what's this guys problem? So I wind up and I swear to god a punch him in the balls so hard one of them popped, and still not a thing. He just stares at me and laughs it off. And in my kind I'm thinking "What the hell can I do to put this guy away?" I popped one of his testicles and he didn't feel a thing. So I do the only thing I can do, and grab him by his giant black nipples and I twist them, I just twist and twist and he doesn't even move, so I just let him go and push him back. F this! This guy must be a robot or something because there's no way he didn't feel that. But he just reaches into his diaper and pulls out this Red piece of paper and shows it to me and the crowd go crazy, so I grab it, like what is it some sort of magic card? Magic isn't allowed in wrestling, so I rip it up and throw in to the floor, then he starts to cry. He's crying over a piece of paper, he gets on his knees and tries to piece it back together, then bam I lock in the Shoulder Claw and I squeeze it in tight, and he slumps it the mat and it's all over. Boy do the fans go crazy, they start booing throwing their drinks at Mike, what kind of piss poor performance was that? That's what they were thinking and they let him know it, so I grab my new belt and I get the hell out of there.



Chris Spradlin: You stole his belt?

Matt Classic: Stole his belt? I won the match, I didn't steal it. His Saxophone on the other hand, ok, so I stole that. I grab my gear from the hotel and within the hour I'm sipping Martini's on the plane home. A pretty good return match if you ask me.

*Matt Classic nods as he relives that historic night*

Matt Classic: So that's all for this week. I hope you guys had fun, I sure didn't thanks to Chris over there, I couldn't even enjoy my cocktails, hopefully next week will be different, maybe Phil will be back, I don't know but I know that Chris sure as hell won't be. And again if you want me to shoot on anyone in specific then make sure you e-mail me at AlwaysMattClassic@gmail.com and I'll tell a story about them if I have one. I'm Matt Classic, he doesn't matter and I'll see you all next time.

*As Classic delivers the finishing lie he takes one more sip of Vodka as the cameras fade out*